Letting go of my "lack" mentality - and all that weighed me down.
An interesting thing has happened in retirement life as I have all this spare time on my hands.
Well that may be a half truth as I seem to find lots to do to keep me amused and one of those things is taking stock of all the "stuff" I have accumulated in my life and all that I hold onto just in case, you know how it goes, I may need it ......... one day .
There is a certain fear that exists in letting go, especially when I seem to be embedded still in the old habits of a mindset which exists in "lack of" . Now interestingly I really thought I had worked through all of that self reflection stuff but it seems not. Old habits and conditioning still sit quietly inside my DNA.
This realisation came about today as I sorted my wardrobe out, it is always in the mundane that I seem to get my epiphany.
You see with this wonderful retirement life I have changed my focus in life to health and wellbeing, in doing so I have lost around twenty kilo's. My wardrobe then became a storage space for clothes that no longer fit, or are no longer relevant to my lifestyle, like my collection of "work" clothes.
It was time to decide what to do with all those clothes I once wore for work when I just knew I would no longer need them. Browsing through my wardrobe has shown me a few things. Gosh I wasted some money on things I barely wore, I dressed a lot in black ( possibly trying to hide that 20 kilo's ) and what clothes remain no longer fit my lifestyle or body.
As I took the clothes off the hangers to put in a donation bag I was overwhelmed with a strange anxiety. Firstly what if I put the weight back on, what would I wear ? What if I had to go back to work for some strange reason, again what would I wear.? It was so difficult to just let the clothes go as I realised what some things had cost and that fear of rebuilding if I had to ..... one day.
The strangest part was letting go of the clothes that were too big for me after dropping the kilo's. Was I setting myself up for failure with the expectation if I got rid of the clothes I then had to commit to keep losing weight. I had been doing so organically without any pressure on myself .
By hanging onto the clothes I had an escape clause should the weight would pile back on. Was I brave enough to trust that this time of my life was mine, that my wellness was my priority and I could continue to live in this moment.
I decided to trust myself and with a deep breath it was time to let go.
Going through my wardrobe I noted that I had also kept clothes from when I was a lot thinner and younger, so this conundrum works both ways it seems .
So I did what I do best , cranked up the music and went to town culling my clothes without a thought of what if or the game of pretends called "maybe I'll wear that one day". I know I won't be going to any meetings, community talks or events in this next life stage and if I do well I can buy something that fits and that's OK to just trust I can if I want to . Once the culling bug hit me I then turned brutal, off I went to seek out the shoes, who does heels anymore, I live in runners or thongs these days. I am not quite brave enough to cull the handbag and purse collection but that's OK. Little steps.
It is quite liberating to free myself from my lack mentality and let go of the fear that I may not be in a situation to start again. I trust that whatever way it happens the universe does provide and that some things in life just don't matter that much anymore.
A nice tidy wardrobe culled in half, I probably could have cleaned out a bit more but some things I have an emotional connection to and that's a whole new mind game :)
In the spirit of letting things go I have also embarked on the biggest task of saying goodbye to some treasures, pieces of furniture and some of the stuff sitting in my garage for ....one day.
That magical one day was the day I would buy a huge house with a parlour, I always have wanted a parlour and a library. I am fairly confident this day will not come so time to let go of some tea cups, display cabinets and other assorted collectables. This has really been a process, as I would put something aside then get distracted by the prettyness and the things that first attracted me to their beauty. I have A LOT of pretty teacups, and I have to ask myself why, so in an act of reflection I let some go.I really felt like I was choosing favourites it was such a hard task, but I managed to move on a few, and a few more snuck back in, I just couldn't. I really do have such an emotional connection to my treasures and I know it seems bizarre to some but I do truly love them and their beauty and their story.
The fact that I have condensed this down to one cabinet and lost the weight of emotional connection to stuff is to me more impressive than the physical weight lost.
I am feeling lighter in more ways than one and it feels good.
May you spend your days lightening your load, whatever that entails